Showing posts with label feeling safe. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feeling safe. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

I Want to Really Love Her... I just don't know how

Why is it so hard for me to connect with my inner child?
                       


I Wish I Loved Her...

I Want to Love Her. I Don’t Know How.

 
I have trauma therapy today. And wow do I need it. I woke up feeling yucky. Headache. Allergies. Often when I feel physically weak, I feel emotionally vulnerable. The mirror I passed in the hall revealed I was walking around biting my lower lip. I put an end to that, but only God knows how long I’d been doing it.

The other day my girlfriend asked me why I was acting like a little girl. I hadn’t even realized I was. We talked for the next few hours. She held me. I cried. So many things are going on inside of me. So much “stuff” is surfacing. Often I feel like I’m on a roller-coaster. While I love roller-coasters at amusement parks, these emotional ones? Not so much.
I guess I’m noticing it more now that I’m healing. Most days, I feel on top of the world. Excited about living. Free. Happy. More alive than I’ve ever been. Then suddenly in the midst of my day, as a highly functioning adult, I can collapse. Regress. Become like the vulnerable child who was wounded.
It’s taken me a long time to even like my inner child. I love children. They are drawn to me like a magnet and I to them. But my inner child? I have a hard time with her. I tend to treat her like all the other adults in her life did. She gets in the way of me living my life. She needs me at the most inopportune times. I feel badly for not loving her unconditionally. I want to love her. Sometimes I feel sorry for her. But, honestly, I don’t have a strong relationship with her. I think when I form one, I’ll be a lot farther along on my healing journey. It’s just that I don’t trust her. She doesn’t trust the adult me either. And why should she? I’m not always there for her. I don’t love her unconditionally.
While intellectually I know that nothing she did, as a child, was her fault. For some unknown-to-me reason, I still blame her. Just like the adults in her life did…for the abuse. (I know… It’s Wrong!) She was such an over-sexed, seductive child. As I’m writing this, I’m thinking, of course it wasn’t her fault. How could she have known anything different? Actually it was all she had ever known. That’s just sad. Really I want to wrap her up in my arms and hold her. I just don’t know how. I don’t know how to love that wounded child inside of me who is crying for my attention and love. The child inside who didn’t have any safe place to turn as a child. Well, that’s not entirely true. My aunties loved me. But, I don’t think I ever really felt safe as a child.
That unsafe feeling followed me through life. Even now, I don’t feel entirely safe. There is still a scared little girl inside of me. Maybe that’s why I can paint frightened, sad children so well. They are me. I am them. Still.
One day I will love the little me so much that she will be completely free. It will be safe for her to grow up completely. She won’t need to show up in my adult life and wreak havoc. Until then, I am learning to be patient with both parts of me: the adult me and the little me, who haven’t quite connected.
You can visit my gallery and see all the different versions of little me. Maybe you’ll see your little self in their eyes also. Every sale helps today’s wounded children start their healing process. Worthy cause. Art you love. It’s a win-win deal.
Here’s to connecting with and loving our inner children!
~mm

Copyright © 2014 Michal Madison Art, All rights reserved.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Cats & Kids

 

What if they could all choose where they wanted to live?

Sid adopted me about four months ago. He showed up. He stayed. My home has become a cat haven… When I moved into my condo over two years ago I inherited a mama cat & four six-week-old kittens. They were living on my patio. It was the perfect cat-lady-starter-kit on my door step. I found a home for one kitten, but that still left me with four. Everyone, Riley, Tobi and Tate, got sprayed at four months. Well, everyone except Neytiri (the mom). I couldn't catch her. Then, I watched in horror as she got pregnant. Again! Everyone got locked inside. No boys allowed.

Six babies were born exactly two months later. I loved & hugged on those babies every day. They were good therapy. All but Feisty found a new home. I was down to five cats. Finally Neytiri & Feisty were also spayed & everyone was free to go back outside. Suddenly, my Neytiri disappeared. I searched to no avail.

Then just before Christmas the condo HOA said I needed to bring all the cat food inside because they were afraid I was also feeding stray cats. I was thinking: of course I am. They’re all stray cats and you should be paying me to feed them.  I've cut down on the cat population by spaying six of your baby makers! Anyway, the food came inside, but the slider stayed open enough for my kitties to come in & out. That’s when I realized I had two other cats. Max. The biggest black cat I've ever seen. Not fat, big as in 44” from his nose to his tail. His body is over two feet long. I think he's part panther. Love that big guy. And the adorable green-eyed ginger kitty Sid.

The biggest shock was waking up to a raccoon, looking at me, at night. Yes. In my house. The slider it's now locked in a position that only a cat can fit through. Raccoon problem solved.

So back to Sid. I got him neutered. He got his shots. He became a permanent fixture on my couch.
A couple of weekend ago. My girlfriend & I hear a couple talking outside.
Woman: "Look. It's Joker. He's looking at me. He's inside that house. Joker. Come Joker. He's not coming to me. Why won’t he come? He’s just staring at me."
Man: "That cat is no good. Leave him. Come on. Good riddance."
Woman: "I can't believe he just left me. Oh well."
And that was that. Away they went.  We stepped into the living room. Sure enough. Sid, aka Joker, is sitting at the slider looking out. I ran outside to see if I could catch them, but they were gone. I never even saw them. I wanted them to know I didn’t “steal” their cat. The slider was ajar. They could see that. And Sid wasn’t about to leave. They haven't come for him. I guess he's really mine now.

Many of you know, I also take care of my neighbor kids. Since this happened, I’ve been thinking, I bet I'd have a few of them permanently living with me, if they, like cats, could just go where they wanted and stay; where they were loved and fed and cared for. But they can't. I'm glad they at least know they can come here and get hugs and love and food, if they're hungry. They know I care deeply about each of them.

There are children all around us, just like my kitties, who are starving for love and a safe place. That's one of the reasons why I support Childhelp. It’s also why Trish and I started Butterfly Dreams for survivors. When you buy my art, 10% of every sale will be donated to ending abuse. It's a win-win for you ~fine art and a worthy cause. Here’s the link: Michal Madison Art

Tobi, Tate, Riley, Feisty, Max, Sid and I send love and thank you for helping make a difference in the lives of children.
~m

If you'd like to receive my email blog, sign up here.

Copyright © 2014 michal madison art, All rights reserved.