I Want to Really Love Her... I just don't know how

Why is it so hard for me to connect with my inner child?

I Wish I Loved Her... I Want to Love Her. I Don’t Know How.   I have trauma therapy today. And wow do I need it. I woke up feeling yucky. Headache. Allergies. Often when I feel physically weak, I feel emotionally vulnerable. The mirror I passed in the hall revealed I was walking around biting my lower lip. I put an end to that, but only God knows how long I’d been doing it. The other day my girlfriend asked me why I was acting like a little girl. I hadn’t even realized I was. We talked for the next few hours. She held me. I cried. So many things are going on inside of me. So much “stuff” is surfacing. Often I feel like I’m on a roller-coaster. While I love roller-coasters at amusement parks, these emotional ones? Not so much. I guess I’m noticing it more now that I’m healing. Most days, I feel on top of the world. Excited about living. Free. Happy. More alive than I’ve ever been. Then suddenly in the midst of my day, as a highly functioning adult, I can collapse. Regress. Become like the vulnerable child who was wounded. It’s taken me a long time to even like my inner child. I love children. They are drawn to me like a magnet and I to them. But my inner child? I have a hard time with her. I tend to treat her like all the other adults in her life did. She gets in the way of me living my life. She needs me at the most inopportune times. I feel badly for not loving her unconditionally. I want to love her. Sometimes I feel sorry for her. But, honestly, I don’t have a strong relationship with her. I think when I form one, I’ll be a lot farther along on my healing journey. It’s just that I don’t trust her. She doesn’t trust the adult me either. And why should she? I’m not always there for her. I don’t love her unconditionally. While intellectually I know that nothing she did, as a child, was her fault. For some unknown-to-me reason, I still blame her. Just like the adults in her life did…for the abuse. (I know… It’s Wrong!) She was such an over-sexed, seductive child. As I’m writing this, I’m thinking, of course it wasn’t her fault. How could she have known anything different? Actually it was all she had ever known. That’s just sad. Really I want to wrap her up in my arms and hold her. I just don’t know how. I don’t know how to love that wounded child inside of me who is crying for my attention and love. The child inside who didn’t have any safe place to turn as a child. Well, that’s not entirely true. My aunties loved me. But, I don’t think I ever really felt safe as a child. That unsafe feeling followed me through life. Even now, I don’t feel entirely safe. There is still a scared little girl inside of me. Maybe that’s why I can paint frightened, sad children so well. They are me. I am them. Still. One day I will love the little me so much that she will be completely free. It will be safe for her to grow up completely. She won’t need to show up in my adult life and wreak havoc. Until then, I am learning to be patient with both parts of me: the adult me and the little me, who haven’t quite connected. You can visit my gallery and see all the different versions of little me. Maybe you’ll see your little self in their eyes also. Every sale helps today’s wounded children start their healing process. Worthy cause. Art you love. It’s a win-win deal. Here’s to connecting with and loving our inner children! ~mm

Copyright © 2014 Michal Madison Art, All rights reserved.

Now That's Just Creative Genius at Work. You Can Do It Too

Don't wait for good things to happen. Get out there. Be Creative

I have stacks of fashion magazines at my house. They're full of fun ideas. I enjoy designing clothes, as well as painting. And I use old magazines for art collages. So I keep them around. I was browsing through an old Elle magazine and happened on an article about fashion designer Kenneth Cole. He inspires me. Not just his elegant designs, but the way he uses this platform to share what he stands for. As we know, the beginning is one of the best places to start when we want to understand the magnitude of where someone is today. So let's go back... "It's 1983, and Cole, who planned to launch his collection of women's shoes during New York Market Week, doesn't have the budget to rent a hotel suite to display his wares -- let alone a showroom. Plan B involves borrowing a friend's production trailer. But the 28 year old can receive a parking permit only if he's actually filming a movie. So the designer changes the name of his company from Kenneth Cole Inc. to Kenneth Cole Productions, tells the city he's filming a full-length feature called The Birth of a Shoe Company and sells 72,000 pairs of shoes in under 72 hours." Now that's creative. Today Kenneth Cole is a $1 billion empire. It just shows me what our creative minds can do.  Every one of us has something amazing to give to this world.  What is it that you are longing to share? What do you have to give that is unique to you? Cole could have thought: "I'm poor. I don't have the backing to do this. I'll have to wait until I have the money. Besides, there are so many shoe designers. Who's going to buy my stuff anyway? What's the point?" I don't know if those feelings/thoughts ever even came into his mind. If they did, he, for sure, didn't let them stay. He didn't sit back and didn't wait for his ship to come in, he swam out to meet it. Cole does way more than design. He's an activist. He uses his fashion ads to declare his truth. He stands for something and he's not afraid to let people know. I respect that! He invites conversation with others, because he wants to know where others stand on social issues as well. He knows that when we talk about things, share our thoughts, we grow. We get somewhere. Yes, there are other shoe designers at New York Market Week, but there is only one Kenneth Cole. He got creative. He figured out a way to show the world what he had. The world is a better place because he's in it. There is only one You. So what's stopping you from following your heart. Make your mark on this planet. Live your passion. Life will inspire you. I promise. And you will inspire others. Want to see what I love to do? Visit Michal Madison Art. 10% of every sale is donated to Childhelp. Creating safety for children and ending abuse is something else I'm passionate about. Find what brings you joy. Follow you bliss. Life is too short to be anything but happy. When we're doing what we love, we make a difference in the lives of others. It just happens. Here's to making a difference in this world~ mm

Copyright © 2014 Michal Madison Art, All rights reserved.