I Wish I Loved Her...
I Want to Love Her. I Don’t Know How.
I have trauma therapy today. And wow do I need it. I woke up feeling yucky. Headache. Allergies. Often when I feel physically weak, I feel emotionally vulnerable. The mirror I passed in the hall revealed I was walking around biting my lower lip. I put an end to that, but only God knows how long I’d been doing it.
The other day my girlfriend asked me why I was acting like a little girl. I hadn’t even realized I was. We talked for the next few hours. She held me. I cried. So many things are going on inside of me. So much “stuff” is surfacing. Often I feel like I’m on a roller-coaster. While I love roller-coasters at amusement parks, these emotional ones? Not so much.
I guess I’m noticing it more now that I’m healing. Most days, I feel on top of the world. Excited about living. Free. Happy. More alive than I’ve ever been. Then suddenly in the midst of my day, as a highly functioning adult, I can collapse. Regress. Become like the vulnerable child who was wounded.
It’s taken me a long time to even like my inner child. I love children. They are drawn to me like a magnet and I to them. But my inner child? I have a hard time with her. I tend to treat her like all the other adults in her life did. She gets in the way of me living my life. She needs me at the most inopportune times. I feel badly for not loving her unconditionally. I want to love her. Sometimes I feel sorry for her. But, honestly, I don’t have a strong relationship with her. I think when I form one, I’ll be a lot farther along on my healing journey. It’s just that I don’t trust her. She doesn’t trust the adult me either. And why should she? I’m not always there for her. I don’t love her unconditionally.
While intellectually I know that nothing she did, as a child, was her fault. For some unknown-to-me reason, I still blame her. Just like the adults in her life did…for the abuse. (I know… It’s Wrong!) She was such an over-sexed, seductive child. As I’m writing this, I’m thinking, of course it wasn’t her fault. How could she have known anything different? Actually it was all she had ever known. That’s just sad. Really I want to wrap her up in my arms and hold her. I just don’t know how. I don’t know how to love that wounded child inside of me who is crying for my attention and love. The child inside who didn’t have any safe place to turn as a child. Well, that’s not entirely true. My aunties loved me. But, I don’t think I ever really felt safe as a child.
That unsafe feeling followed me through life. Even now, I don’t feel entirely safe. There is still a scared little girl inside of me. Maybe that’s why I can paint frightened, sad children so well. They are me. I am them. Still.
One day I will love the little me so much that she will be completely free. It will be safe for her to grow up completely. She won’t need to show up in my adult life and wreak havoc. Until then, I am learning to be patient with both parts of me: the adult me and the little me, who haven’t quite connected.
You can visit my gallery and see all the different versions of little me. Maybe you’ll see your little self in their eyes also. Every sale helps today’s wounded children start their healing process. Worthy cause. Art you love. It’s a win-win deal.
Here’s to connecting with and loving our inner children!
~mm
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Oh Michal I wish I could give you a great big hug. It's so hard to reach out to our inner child. To love her is hard to do at times. I know how much we can feel on top of the world, as you know I have been there too. Then boom we feel yucky, hurting, grieving for our selves. I think we grieve our inner child, sometimes we don't understand her. But we need to be gentle with her, speak to her, let her come out and know that she is safe. You are right, that is all she knew, all she knew was abuse, it wasn't her fault at all, but sometimes we feel that maybe deep down it was our fault, our little self. But how how can it be our fault? We were children, faced to live with abuse, knowing nothing else. That was normal for us, but we still knew it was wrong deep down inside, but we were trapped. Our little self is trapped still living in the past. So by being gentle, little bit at a time, we can reassure her/ ourselves that she is safe, we are safe, they can't hurt us anymore. I'm so sorry it was so rough for you today. I love you, You will get through this. You were there for me, and now I want to be there for you. love that little you, like you told me...now its my turn to tell you. Here is a little something for you, maybe it will help. <3
ReplyDeleteNURTURING YOUR INNER CHILD
Can I come and sit with you
With big brown eyes she cried,
I slowly sat down and hugged her
And hoped she would confide.
I won't let anyone hurt you
You are safe now, I will hold you tight,
Her sobs were oh so heavy
Jerking with so much fright.
God loves you and will keep you safe
He has you in his hands,
She looked at me with a tear stained face
And nodded that she did understand.
She spoke but with only a whisper
I strained my ear to hear,
I'm afraid of all the demons
They're close, they're very near.
She drew her knees up to her chest
And followed with her eyes,
Peering in the distance
She shuttered and started to cry.
Hush little one, why do you cry
She pointed in the distance,
Look, he's there, he wants me
I looked up to take a glance.
Please don't let him touch me
It hurts so much inside,
I rocked her and said I love you
You're safe, you don't need to hide.
She looked at me so tenderly
As the tears rolled down my face,
She took her hands and wiped my tears
With so much dignity and grace.
Come walk with me, let's leave this place
But she wouldn't move an inch,
I held her close and stroked her hair
But all she did was flinch.
Why does he do those awful things
Did I do something bad,
There's nothing that you did sweet child
She looked so very sad.
I won't let the demons hurt you
I will be your guiding light,
To protect you and always love you
In the darkness of the night.
She looked at me with a sparkle
That I saw within her eyes
She squeezed my hand so gently
And gave a little sigh.
I stood up slowly and helped her up
She still was a bit afraid,
But I held her tight and told her
Of the progress she now has made.
Finally, a smile was on her face
As we walked slowly out the door,
She was free to leave this place in peace
For the demons are gone, forever more.
written by Mary Graziano
July 6, 2012
www.nippercats.blogspot.ca